Whole Again

Transit Dialog has published my essay Whole Again. Here it is:

"𝘐 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘶𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘵."

𝗪𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗲 𝗔𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻

𝘉𝘺 𝘚𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘢 𝘎𝘢𝘪𝘭 𝘓𝘶𝘤𝘢𝘴

I am newly single. My partner and I recently broke up, and it was not easy. I have aspired for a future with him, but it seems that he had other plans for his own tomorrow. So, to save us both from further heartbreak, we ended our relationship.

I am currently navigating the waters of being single. So far, it has been fun! I am not looking for a rebound, but I am talking to some decent people. It has given me a fresh perspective on things. This has been a relief since I was used to a cycle of pain and unrealistic expectations during my old life.

Now, I feel appreciated for who I am and for my job as a published author. I get to write my books without worrying about hurting someone else’s ego. I get to date other people without worrying how my books can make him insecure. I get to make friends without someone worrying that I am looking for a rebound.

I simply feel free. All I think of right now is my own welfare. I am not worried about someone’s fragile feelings. I am only concerned about my own well-being.

Speaking of rebounding, I am not looking to do this. In fact, I have been very clear about talking to people first before dating anyone. I have focused on myself these past few days, and I have been writing as if my life depended on it. On the personal side, I have been doing some reflecting and journaling. I have also gone to the spa for some me time. It has been quiet and productive so far.

I did not separate from my partner because I was weak. Rather, I felt as if I deserved better. I did not get enough support for my writing and published work. I was not granted an audience during the worst days. More importantly, I was not given any sort of friendship during bad days. It became a lopsided partnership, and I felt like I could not catch up anymore.

The separation was an inevitable action. It was a denouement which did more to explain rather than resolve anything.

I granted myself closure; it was more for me than it was for him. In fact, I should no longer care about him moving forward. So, I wrote down everything that angered me about this partnership. Next, I wrote down all the things that make me feel grateful for him.

Lastly, I closed it with a simple statement for myself: I am in a relationship with myself. It is the most important one that I will ever have, since it is unbreakable. It is my job to nurture this relationship, whether I’m single or not. After all, I am always me.

What scares me about the future is how my next partner will receive my work. I have no plans of retiring from writing, so he has to be confident in his own skin to accept the output that I produce. He has to have his own life so that he is not leeching off mine. He also needs to

be happy to begin with, because being with a moody writer is not easy. But I do make up for it by being a good person

I hope to continue being whole while recovering from my past. I hope to reinforce my present so that I will have a secure tomorrow. I know that I am fine, and I will be better. After all, I am whole again. This breakup is simply temporary.

𝘚𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘢 𝘎𝘢𝘪𝘭 𝘉. 𝘓𝘶𝘤𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘍𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘰 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘶𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘳. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘣𝘶𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘰𝘯 𝘈𝘮𝘢𝘻𝘰𝘯, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘥𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨, 𝘸𝘸𝘸.𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘴𝘢𝘮.𝘤𝘰𝘮.

Source: Transit Dialog